Recipes
by Elementalist
Summary: This was just supposed to be a joke for my friends, but they insisted that I put it up. The title says it all, recipes that main ingredients are your favorite FMA charaters.
1. Sweetened up RoyEd

How to make:  
**Sweetened-Up Roy/Ed**

Well, well, well. I never thought that someone would actually look up this recipe! You must have fine taste indeed! But no more of that, and onward to the recipe you sought! ( or accidentally came across…)

**Step one:  
**This is the most important step in the whole recipe, so make sure you've got everything on the list below, for if not the _'dessert'_ we shall call it will not turn out right. ( an we don't want that to happen, now do we?)

1)Roy Mustang  
2)Edward Elric  
3)Cool-whip ( or whipped cream. )  
4)Strawberries  
5)Chocolate ( or chocolate syrup, I prefer chocolate syrup )

If you got all the _' ingredients'_ then you're ready for the next step. If not, go find them or shut this book. Seriously, go find the _' ingredients'_ , and hurry or I'll start without you….I'm not kidding.

**Step two:  
**I told you I'd start without you! But for those who have all they need, then I congratulate you! You are ready for the next…more delicious step, ready? Good, let's get on with it.  
Now get Ed and Roy, yes both of them. Now I know you're wondering what we need two guys for this _' dessert'_ we just do, kay? If you're not like that, go away, I don't like you. Now make sure that they at the very least have their shirts off….If you want a little bit…_more_…you can strip off more articles of clothes.

Now smear the Cool-whip over their bare flesh. ( Make sure you don't get Cool-whip on their clothes…the military outfits aren't cheap…) After that is done you should have two guys from the military covered in cool-whip…now don't do anything yet! You still have a few more_ ' ingredients'_ and steps to go before you…uh…I'll leave it at that…I think you get the picture… ( If not, dang-gum you! I already told you to leave! Now shoo, you're apparently not getting the true picture here.)

**Step three:  
**Wow! You're still with me? Good! Now step three.  
Now you get Roy and Ed and start to drizzle or apply the chocolate to them. Also and the strawberries to the Cool-whip…or other_ places_ ( ahem ). And now you have two funny looking people, don't you? But that's ok, you still love'em.

**Final step:  
**The final step! Now this step is going to be swift and strait to the point. This is the part where you get to _taste_ what you've created! Bone appetite! ( Don't forget to have some fun with you're creation. It's not always bad to _play_ with your_ food_…)  
Hope you enjoyed your _cooking lesson_…and hope you continue cooking. ( You never know what you can come up with! )

See ya!  
Chef Elementalist


	2. Edward Sundae

How to make:  
**An Edward Sundae**

Wow! This is pretty cool. I mean, I never though that you'd once again seek my superior culinary skills! ( Unless, of course, you're one of the ones who's to stupid to read the computer screen….I live in a sad, sad world…)

Step one:  
Like last time, the ingredients are very important, SO DON'T FORGET THEM! (ahem) So anyways, the list below shall show you what you need, get every _little_ one, get them or suffer the consequences. ( The oh-so dire consequences………)

1) Edward Elric ( Hooray for the little pipsqueak! What would we do without him)  
2) Your favorite ice cream flavors ( See the_ 's'_ at the end of_ flavor**s**_? That means more than one…)  
3) Whipped cream ( or the oh-so favorable, Cool-whip)  
4) And anything you little heart desires ( If you can't think of anything, I want you to leave RIGHT NOW! For you're probably the one that was here last time, aren't you? DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME LAST TIME? I DON'T LIKE YOU!

Get'em, Got'em, good. ( Put that on a mental post-it note to stick in your head, some of you need it to cover up the empty space.)

Step two:  
As you saw in the list in step one, Roy is not in there. That is because 17,009 reports were filed all by Roy 'fan-girls' who found out that they were allergic to the material his glove is made out of. So now this is for all the Roy 'fan-girls' who feel left out….enjoy and sorry for the inconvenience.

So now take Ed and dump all the ice cream on him ( whether you leave his clothes on or not is up to you, but if you want my opinion, leave them on…..read on.)….yeah, he might be a little cold….so put him near a heater or something….then again, you could just leave his clothes on…(but if you don't, you could always snuggle up with him…your body heat may provide the right temperature of heat to keep him alive…then again, maybe not…)

Also add all the _things_ your heart desired….just place them where ever. Don't worry if he doesn't look like a work of art, _this is for you to have fun with not a freakin' art show_. Now add the whipped cream to his head, and don't forget the cherry!

Final step:  
Now the most favorable step, the _tasting part_. Now grab a spoon and dig in…(Unless you're the kind that rather…uh…_lick_) He can eat some, too. That is if he can still move…better go check on that ….(Just to let you know, I'm not to be held accountable for 1) any injuries Edward might cause you. 2) any damages caused to your property or stuff by Edward. 3) yours' or Edwards' death. 4) any injuries_ you_ cause Ed)

To all of you worried about cleaning up, no need to worry about that. I mean, it's only a_ little_ mess…( What else can you expect from Ed…just don't say that in front of him…Just thought I should give you fair warning…though it might not do any good…)

See ya next time! ( If there is a next time…..hopefully the_ police_ won't show up_ this_ time……)  
Chef Elementalist

( I wanna say thank you to all of you who reviewed! So thank you; BobtheACorn, Dark-Angels-Tears, and GWG! I'll love you always! Ele)


	3. Fangirl Jello

How to make:  
**Fangirl Jell-o**

Yes, you read right. It does say ' Fangirl Jell-o', so you don't need to get your eyes checked. I bet you're wondering why I would write a recipe about fangirls, but that's not the case. See, this is _for_ fangirls, they're not in the recipe themselves. ( Ok…Ok…That's a lie, they are in the recipe…but! Only at the end…..I'll leave it at that…)

On another note…as all good recipes should have and start with ( and like all the ones I've written before):

**Step one:**  
Now if you can remember ( which you should unless you have brain problems……..uh, never mind…) all my pervious recipes started off with a list of_ ingredients_ and then I'd yell at you for not having them at the end. Well, this one's going to be a little bit different. How so? Well, this time there's going to be two list ( one of the _main ingredients_ and one of the _optional ingredients_…….we should have _fun_ with this…) and then I'll yell at you for not having them.

**_Main _**

1) Edward Elric ( which from here on out we'll call him _shortie_, just kidding….we're gonna call him Ed…for it takes up less time to type up anyways)  
2) About seven hundred (700) of those instant jell-o pack things ( flavors are your choice)  
3) A tub filled with hot water ( like you are going to take a bath, but don't get in it……yet…)  
4) A lock, key, and chains

_**Optional**_

1) Whipped cream  
2) Cool-whip  
3) ( and if you are a total health nut) those sliced pineapple things  
4) Whips and tight leather pants (…don't know why I put that….but it's optional…..for all you kinky people…)  
5) ( The last but not the least item on the list is none other than) Roy Mustang ( How about we just call him Roy…or Mustang…either one is better than writing out his whole name…just thought I'd give you the heads up….)

Now the fun part…do you have all the main ingredients? Okay, now the optional…no? None at all? Well, you're a boring little freak, aren't you? So to all of you that have no optional ingredients, go get at least one…or the recipe will come out plain and boring…._just like you_…..so hurry up or I'll yell some more….(ahem) Still none? Fine then…I'm gonna yell now. (just to let you all with the least boring ingredients, you may want to leave the room, it could get messy…)

**HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE (**TO INSTERT WORD OR WORDS HERE) **TELL YOU TO GET THE **(INSERT ANOTHER WORD HERE) **INGERDIENTS! GOD! I HATE YOU! GET OUT NOW YOU** (YEAH, YEAH, YOU GET THE PICTURE NOW, EH?) **JERK (or jerks!)  
**Okay all of your who a.) left the room or b.) can still hear I'm done now, so we can begin with stop two!

**Step two:  
**Now I want you to get Ed and whack him on the head. Make sure that he'll be out for awhile. ( I mean, come on! Do you seriously want him to wake up right in the middle of the whole…_cooking _process? Didn't think so)

So now what you want to do is pour all ( yes, _all_) of the jell-o packs into the tub and stir well until dissolved. ( And if you were one of the health freaks add the pineapple slices at this time…) Now after all that is done with, throw Ed into (and/or Mustang same rules apply) the tub.

Make sure ( it's very important) that Ed's head is above the…..jell-o and that his arms are chained up above it. This is for two reasons; 1. You don't want him to drown (and if you do…._go away_……._unless you want my army_ _of insane, chibi ninjas_ to come after you and tear you limb from limb…..Or all the fangirls can/will come after you and then you'd wish _my army_ _of insane, chibi ninjas_ were coming after you…) and 2. So he can use his alchemy.

Now leave the room and lock the door. You'll be coming back later so _you don't need to check on him every** five seconds**_! Kay? (every ten is okay)

**Step three:  
**Now this step is to all you that got some/all/one of the optional ingredients. (and if you did I'm very proud of you! You get a gold star!) So just add them where you want after the jell-o sets. ( Unless you have the tight leather pants…add them before the jell-o sets….you kinky, kinky person and the whip well, you know what to do with that….if not, I'm pretty sure there's a_ ' How to use a kinky whip, for dummies'_) Now on to the last step!

**Final step:  
**Now I know that I usually tell you that this is the _tasting_ part………..but I want to say something different………but, unfortunately for you I can't think of anything…so deal with it.

_So _now you may _taste _your very own jell-o! But before you start to dig into your delicious _dessert_, you may want to read the fine print……WARNING! ED MAY CAUSE SERIOUS INJURY TO HIMSELF, YOU, OR ANYONE UNFORTUNTATE ENOUGH TO BE IN THE AREA. PLEASE USE UNDER PARENTAL SUPERVISION (Okay…you don't have to follow that part….). CAUTION USING AROUND EYES, NECK, OR ANY OTHER BODY PART THAT, IF SERIOUSLY DAMAGED, WILL BLEED HEAVILY. _We are not to be held responsible for any deaths or injuries caused……….It's your fault for buying/stealing the product anyways…_

_  
_And just to let you all know, yes I am psycho….don't believe me? Let me go get the paperwork.

Until next time,  
Chef Elementalist

( I would like to say thank you to all the people who reviewed, which would be; Shale 101, Anime Monster, Rogue-Amnesti, Tough Critic, Korikoto, BloodPuddles, and Genkai-chan. And to all you Roy fangirls out there take GWG and BloodPuddles advice, take off the gloves if your allergic to them. Ele.)


	4. The Ultra Yaoi Sundae of Complete and Ut...

How to make:  
** The Ultra Yaoi Sundae of Complete and Utter Happiness**  
(Working title)

The reason it says 'working title' under the desserts' name is because there are so many ways to describe it ( the dessert, I mean...not the working title part)...and I couldn't pick one, so I threw them all in. Well, now that I got that all covered...I guess it's time for the fun part, no?

**Step one:**  
Now it's time to begin making another sundae! ( yeah, I've written another sundae recipe...but this one's gonna be a lot different. Not that it really matters, sundaes are always good...no matter _who's _in it...) Now, like last time, there are going to be two lists...the main and the optional. But unlike last time, there's gonna be someone helping me...cook. Her name is Gundamwinggirl (Gwg) and she's one of the masterminds behind the recipe before you. In fact, any recipe having to deal with yaoi or Roy ( wow...that rhymed...) was written for her. ( and plus it's nice to share, no)

**_Main  
_** 1) Roy (the almighty flame alchemist...make sure you take away his gloves, for the love of God...do you want to get hurt or worst...make the sundae melt)  
2) Ed ( poor little guy...he's probably still traumatized over the last two recipes...but that really doesn't change much, now does it loyal fangirls)  
3) Alphonse Elric ( this is his first time being on the list! Congrats Al)  
4) Jean Havoc (...take the cigarette out of his mouth, please. Smoking is bad for you anyways, shame on you Havoc)  
5) Maes Hughes ( you may want to tie him up and gag him...unless you want him to drown you with pictures of his daughter or talk your ears off...He could possibly be a new type of secret weapon)  
6) Ice cream ( this is a big 'DUH', is it not? I mean what is a sundae without ice cream?...and I don't mean literally)

**_Optional  
_** 1) strawberry whipped cream ( this can be substituted with original and/or chocolate whipped cream...found at a store near you)  
2) chocolate syrup ( my favorite)  
3) sprinkles ( have to add a little color)  
4) chocolate chips ( as if chocolate syrup wasn't enough for them...they're, not to mention you, are gonna go into a sugar comma)  
5) strawberries, cherries, and bananas ( fruity licious)  
6) spoons

Now that all that is done, it's time to see if you have them. You do, don't you? Well if not you'll have to deal with Gwg, my throat still hurts from last time. ( The doctor told me to eat lots of ice cream and to stop yelling so much...just following doctors orders)

**Step two:  
**Hopefully co. chef Gwg didn't_ kill you_...so I'll just start with step two now...if anyone's out there reading.

So now what you wanna do is get all the...main...ingredients and put them together. So you should end up with (one, two, three, four, five...) five guys covered from head to foot in ice cream...if they look/act like they're cold...just tell them that you can always get reinforcements...they should settle down...( then again...you never know what's gonna happen when Roy or Ed is around...) 

Now there's the matter of Ed's alchemy...and Al's for that matter. There's a simple way to prevent them from using it. In Ed's case, he (as I said before) is still out of it...he probably doesn't even know that he is sitting in a pile of ice cream...but if you are completely paranoid...you can always chain him up. With Al...it's a bit harder...(even though he's not the type to go around and hurt people...but you never know)...but you can always tell him that you'll tell all his fangirls where he is...( that should do it. Cause, come on! Look at what co. chef Gwg and I have done to them...and we are just two fangirls...a mass army of them...now that could end badly) or you can chain him up, too.

**Step three:  
**Optional ingredients time! Now just add them where you please. It can be as horrifying or as pretty as you want it to be, you're gonna eat it any ways.

As you see, I put spoons on the optional list...and _I think you know why_...(and if not...how many times must you come in and mess up my recipe! It's apparent that you don't know what you're doing here, but I know where you are going_**...OUT**_! And if you refuse...you'll have to deal with Gwg...again...and you don't want that now do you)

**Final step:  
**By now the poor guys are shivering ( be it from the coldness of the ice cream or from fright...I shall never know...probably both.), so how about we help them out. So now with your spoons ( if you were one of the ones who got them...if not...yeah, you know already.) dig in and rescue the poor guys from hyperventilation. ( and if you're the type that wants them all to die, I just want to say a few things to you. 1)** YOU ARE PURE EVIL**..._not that I should be talking_...but that is besides the point and 2) you better watch your back...fangirls are known to _strike their prey_ from out of the shadows)

Now with the matter of _cleaning up_...that shouldn't be much of a problem with most of you...but for me, well I'm feeling lazy...so co. chef Gwg...I leave you with the task of _cleaning up_. And by the way, feel free to take home the _leftovers_!

Until next time,  
Chef Elementalist and co. chef Gwg

( Hiya! It's me yet again! Thank you to all who reviewed :which I'm gonna name just for the fact that it makes me feel fuzzy inside: AnimeMonster -you're right...spandex is more reviling! Great job thinking about that, though I'm sure Ed will have his rejections...then again...he's still suffering from his mental issues...but we can help him with that, sasuke678, KDA, Harada Risa, Phyco girl, makeyourselfduo, and my dear co. chef Gwg!  
And just to let you know all recipes dealing with dear Edward are for my friend, BoA, aka-BobtheACorn. Just thought I put that in before she mauled me! See ya, Ele.)


	5. Kouen Taisa Pudding

Kouen Taisa Pudding

Hello! It's been a while since I've...cooked...but that doesn't mean that I still don't have great culinary skills. But if you really want to know why I was absent for so long...I guess I can tell you. You see, Edward has been feeling under the weather...for some bizarre reason and I didn't want any of you guys to catch what ever he has. But then it hit me like a pack of bricks falling from the sky (which hurts, by the way...don't try it...and do bricks even come in packs?)..why not make a recipe all about Roy?  
Thus--

Step one:  
Okay, all you Roy fanatics (which includes my dear co-chef, Gwg.) are you ready for a recipe all about your...um...'hot' guy? Of course not, I haven't given you the ingredient lists yet. (not that it does most of you any good...) Once again, there will be two lists; the main and optional.

Main:  
1) Roy (um...duh)  
2) about 40 instant pudding packs (or if you're lazy, about 80 of those pudding cup things...flavors are your choice)  
3) all the stuff you need for the instant pudding (like milk...and a stove)  
4) smearing utensils, like a spoon (or you could always use you hands...that's what my co-chef is doing)

Optional:  
1) Whipped cream (hey...I've never tried it myself, but whipped cream--or Coolwhip!--is always good)  
2) his clothes (remember the glove incident? If you're allergic to his glove, take the darn thing off)  
3) Anything that goes with pudding (use you imagination...if you have one)

(Oi...the fun part...) Do you have the ingredients? All of the ingredients? Really? Wow...any optional? Really? You're lying...so...co-chef, go deal with these liars...and when you have all the ingredients, then you may come back...not a second sooner.

Step two:  
Okay...now I'm sure my co-chef dealt with you fairly (she is a Roy fanatic, after all...maybe I should've warned you...before hand not to make her mad during this recipe...Oh well...) by now...so I guess I can begin the second step.  
So...to all you that have the instant pudding packs...this is where you make that up. How? Um...I don't know...how about you read the directions on the back of the box? Does that help any? (Oi)  
So...after all that's taken care of, get all of the pudding. Don't eat it! Don't even have a taste! You must wait…patiently, okay? And in that time, we will begin--

Step three:  
Okay...now's the part where we really have some fun.  
You should have all the pudding...(whether it's in the little cups or the stuff you made yourself, doesn't really matter...pudding's pudding.) and Roy. For this is the step where you apply the pudding! (apply, not eat)  
So, grab your utensil (unless you are one of the ones who's using and begin smearing! Also, all you people who grabbed some optional ingredients--like whipped cream--add them, as well. Remember, it's not a crime to have some fun...just don't have too much fun...you still have one more step to go! With that said...

Final step:  
Finally, the final step. As you while know, this is the step in which you eat...erm...what you've created! But..you may not wanna eat him...maybe licking would suit both you and him better? Me? Well...I don't really eat..erm...lick...taste (that's the word!) my creations...that's a job for my co-chef and the newest addition to my cooking crew, BobtheACorn (BoA) the official unofficial taste tester! She will be tasting this fabulous pudding...with some help from my co-chef...(cause basically, it's cleaning up, and I don't clean..I cook)  
Until next time (which I hope will be soon...) keep on cooking! Oh…and people, you might wanna take off Roy's gloves, kay? Do you want to get fried? (maybe…he already has…fried you. Fried all your brain cells that is…..)

Have fun,  
Chef Elementalist, co-chef Gwg, and official unofficial taste tester BoA

(Thank you to anyone who has reviewed, I really appreciate it! All so, if any of you guys has an idea for a recipe, tell me! And, if I select your idea, you'll become a co-chef for that recipe..along with getting credit for the specific recipe idea you came up with  
/waves/ Until next time!  
Ele.) 


End file.
